


The Choice Between Easy And Right

by aceofhearts88



Series: Howling at the Stars [8]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Battle at the Trident, Dreams, Kingsguard, Making decisions, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Nightmares, adding a trigger warning for light suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-06 10:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12209163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceofhearts88/pseuds/aceofhearts88
Summary: Three years since Robert's Rebellion ended and Jamie still has nightmares that leave him shaken for days. In the light of the Dornish visit and some possible revelations, his dreams turn only more vicious and strange.And Jamie is left with making a decision again. Left between choosing easy or right.





	The Choice Between Easy And Right

In the three years since the end of Robert's Rebellion, three years since his sword had stabbed the King in the back and a dagger in his hand had cut his throat to finish the job, Jamie often had nightmares. 

So much indeed that sometimes there was not a fortnight where he didn't awake with a scream in the middle of the night. Muffled by his hands or a pillow.

It wasn't always the same, sometimes he dreamt about things that happened, memories that turned all the more garish inside his mind. Elia, beautiful beautiful Elia. Sweet happy little Rhaenys. Perfect wonderful Aegon. 

All of them dead. Not a day passed where he didn't step into the throne room and saw their corpses lying in front of the throne daise, wrapped in red cloaks to hide the blood, to hide what his father's monsters had done to them. 

\--

Sometimes there were three small bodies wrapped in red cloaks and Jaime didn't understand.

\--

He dreamt of being too late to stop Aerys, frozen next to the throne, unable to move as he ordered his pyromancers to light the fire. And he would stand there and watch everything be engulfed by those green flames, would hear the screams of the people, of all of King's Landing as they burned while the Mad King laughed. 

The worst ones though were strangely enough the ones that started out all harmless, good memories of times before everything had turned to shit.

\--

Being back at Casterly Rock, teaching his little brother how to hold himself on his pony, leading him up and down the path until Tyrion had it all figured out. Listening to his little brother read him from his many many books. Promising to one day show him the capital. And then the dream suddenly shifting into Tyrion standing in an alley in Flea Bottom while the wall of wildfire raced closer, and all his brother did was look at him and smile, trusting that Jamie would protect him. 

\--

Chasing after Rhaenys in the corridors of the Red Keep, a mere days since the royal party had returned from Harrenhall, mildly cursing his armor while the little girl just seemed to pick up speed and speed on her run away from the Septa, that blasted kitten of hers leading the way. Rhaenys was laughing, turning corners just as quick as Balerion on her chase and no matter how much Jamie begged her to slow down she wouldn't, the game was way too funny. 

And then she would run blindly into the courtyard and despite Jamie's warning yell run full force into Arthur. Arthur would yelp in surprise and take Rhaegar right off of his feet with him as he went down, Rhaenys would be left staring at them before laughing even louder as Jamie stumbled to a stop behind her. 

And then within just a blink the picture would shift and suddenly Arthur and Rhaegar would not just lie there with surprised amused faces but their bodies would be wearing full armor, blood seeping from wounds, lifeless eyes staring up at the sky. And before him Rhaenys would no longer be laughing but crying, tugging on his sleeve and asking him to do something, asking him why.

\--

Sitting in the training's yard as a fifteen year old boy, feeling like a little child again as he watched the greatest knights of the Seven Kingdoms spar in the little downtime they had in those days where a king saw enemies everywhere. But right here, it wasn't felt, late afternoon over King's Landing, the sun no longer beating down on them.

There were some guards sparring off to the side, Ser Willem snapping instructions at younger recruits and some Kingsguard squires. Prince Rhaegar was sitting in the shade of a tree, frowning down at some letters, the Crown Prince had only recently returned to King's Landing from Dragonstone and it seemed Princess Elia was reluctant to leave again.

Not too far from the Prince as usual, Ser Arthur was rolling his eyes over whatever Ser Oswell was yapping at him, twirling a steel sword absentmindedly in his hand with such an ease that Jaime found it hard to look away. The man's greatsword, Dawn, that famous mysterious sword, was resting against the bench next to Prince Rhaegar's leg, milky white in the light of the sun.

Ser Barristan was with the king and in the absence of his strict eyes and grumbling voice, the mood was more uplifting. Ser Jonothor and Ser Lewyn were egging each other on while they sparred, swords clashing against each other, watched by Ser Gerold and Ser Harlan who were sitting on a bench in the sun. The White Bull was still recuperating from the injury he had sustained from the Kingswood Brotherwood and command over the Kingsguard was still in Ser Arthur's hand.

„JAIME!“ It was said Sword of the Morning who called out to him and asked him over with a nudge of his head, Jaime scrambled up and hurried over. „I'm heading out into the Kingswood again tomorrow, I need to talk to the smallfolk again. You wanna come with me?“ Unable to find words, Jamie simply nodded, slightly overwhelmed in the light of Arthur Dayne's content smile, Ser Oswell patted his back. „See, Regg, some people still have enthusiam left.“ Over by the bench, Prince Rhaegar flipped Arthur a rude gesture without looking away from his letters. „Come on, Jaime, Os could use some support.“

„Seven Hells.“ Ser Oswell cursed as he scoffed at Arthur while Jaime drew his sword, „What did you do with our Starlight here on that island of yours, Your Grace?“ And Jaime had glanced over to the Prince as well while Arthur had rolled his eyes, Prince Rhaegar had smiled but still not looked up. „Well then, Lannister, let us show my bloody acting Commander where to stick his good mood.“

They sparred then, two against one, and of course then when Jamie was grinning in joy the dream shifted. The courtyard turned into a desert landscape, the shadow of the trees turned into the shadow a tall black tower threw over them. The sound of joyful sparring and laughter turned into the harsh sounds of a battle, steel hitting steel, men grunting and yelling.

Jamie snapped his head up and whirled around when he felt someone approach him from behind, swordarm thrusting forward and burrying his sword into the destroyed gap in armor he could see, driving deep into the man's gut. But then he looked up and cried out, rushing forward to catch Arthur as the older knight fell, slowly sinking down onto the ground with him. 

„No, no, no.“ He would ramble while Arthur would just stare at him, Dawn dropping out of his hand, Jaime's sword still buried deep in his stomach, „No, oh gods, no. I am so sorry, I am so sorry, Arthur, I didn't mean to.“ Arthur gasped, tried to speak but could only cough up blood, „No, it's gonna be okay, just hold on, it's gonna be okay.“ He lowered Arthur to the ground but even before he had his thoughts together enough to even think again, violet eyes were already unseeing and Arthur's last breath slipped past his bloody lips.

\--

He dreamt of kneeling in the Kingswood again, right outside the biggest village, exhausted and sore from the fight against the Brotherhood who finally was no more. His pants were ripped on one side and his right shoulder was aching but none of it mattered while he stared up at Arthur and Barristan. 

Dawn was still dripping with blood, the blood of the Smiling Knight, and Arthur raised her to be laid upon Jamie's shoulder and then he was speaking and Jamie's ears were ringing. Still, he heard every word as he was knighted right there and then.

When it shifted, it did so quickly that he was left dizzy for a second or two, suddenly he was being held down onto the ground, Oswell and Jonothor holding his arms behind his back. Dawn no longer resting on his shoulder but being held against his throat, Arthur no longer smiling but snarling, violet eyes flashing. 

„Why?“ He demanded, voice cold and quiet, „Why?“ Again and again that question fell from his lips as left and right of him Lewyn and Gerold drew up, all of them were bloodied, limping, swaying, „Why, Jaime? Were we not your brothers? Did we not give you friendship and loyalty? Did we not teach you all we knew? Why betray us such?“

Jamie opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.

\--

Most of the time he was too shaken to just turn around and fall asleep again, instead he would get up and stumble his way up the White Sword Tower. He would sit down under the nightsky and wait for hours until his mind stopped twisting, turning and screaming at him in the voices of ghosts.

When it was really bad and the tower height looked a bit too tempting, Jaime dressed and walked down to the stables, ignorant to how late or early it was. He would saddle his horse and ride out of the city, away from the Red Keep, away from the stiffling noises and smell of the capital. 

Like he did in the second night after the Daynes had left King's Landing again.

The first yesterday, he hadn't slept at all, even after sitting up on the tower with Barristan for hours and emptying that bottle of Arbor gold, Jaime hadn't managed to find a single hour of sleep. He had dragged himself through the next day and gone to bed about the moment the sun had set and his shift with the King had ended.

He was exhausted, bone deep exhausted but his mind couldn't shut up. Ever since he had sparred against Benjen Stark and seen that quick step move with the wrist twist. And then Lord Dayne's mood and what Barristan had said about their conversation.

Arthur may be alive. 

And his mind had thanked him for the revelation with the most vivid and strangest nightmare yet.

\--

There were a third kind of dream.

The ones where he found himself rushing into a battle to try and make a change.

He never could.

He fought and fought. Foe after foe fell under his sword, but there always came more, more and more and never could he stop his brothers from fallen. 

This night, it was even more gruesome though, but it started like it always did.

Jonothor always died first. Fell to his knees first and then face down into the dirt before Jaime could have even killed the oponent he was fighting. All he was left to do was jump over Jonothor's lifeless body and slay the man in Baratheon colors who had done it to him.

But then came something else.

Had the dream so far forced him to seek out Lewyn then, was it now Gerold who crossed paths with him on the battlefield, the sound of the Trident like a crescendo in Jamie's ears. They fought side by side, until they didn't. Just one moment to the next, Gerold cried out and fell, and Jamie was too slow again.

Oswell then. Spitting mad while he swung his sword, never quiet, not even while fighting in the midst of a dangerous battle. Mouth always just as quick as the sword in his hands. Jamie got to see how he was quietened forever. A dagger across his neck by a man in Vale armor. Blood pouring from his throat as he fell into Jamie's arms who gently lowered him to the ground before he ran his sword through the Arryn soldier.

He found Lewyn like he always found him, three arrows in his back, fighting against two men at once, one in Baratheon yellow, the other in Stark grey, cutting both men off from advancing on Prince Rhaegar who was already fighting Robert Baratheon. Lewyn moved like a striking snake, quick and unrelenting, unforgiving but crowds of soldiers always managed to cut Jamie off from him before he could come to his help. 

And then when he had cut his way through the lines, he found Lewyn on his knees, an arrow in his chest and Lyn Corbray with his blasted Valyrian steel sword perched above him to deliver the final blow to his neck. Jamie would always try to get to Corbray, to knock that terrible smirk off of his face, to avenge Lewyn, but a cry cutting over the battlefield would change his path. 

Running over corpses and dying men, slicing through enemies, one goal in mind as he tackled the man in yellow off of Barristan's body and fell down to his knees next to the older knight. Barristan though slapped his hands away from the bleeding gaping wound on his side, „Go“ he always said, „Go, Jamie, you know I'll live. Rhaegar, Rhaegar counts!“

Then it went silent.

Another change again.

Utter demeaning silence while he jumped up with aching limbs, raised his sword to turn around and the battlefield was empty of fighting men. Only corpses, only bodies, only the dead remained. Lifeless unseeing eyes staring at him from all sides.

Except one.

The only men standing aside from him were Robert and Rhaegar. Still fighting. Jamie never got to see them fight, he always only got to turn around and see Rhaegar fall. But this time, the Silver Prince was still trading blows with the Usurper. Rubies glinting like blood in the sun, his sword crashing against Robert's warhammer, not making any sounds.

Jamie ran.

He ran and ran and he roared.

And came too late.

Just as he was raising his sword to let it cut down Robert's arm that held the hammer, said hammer crashed with all his strength against Rhaegar's chestplate, sending rubies flying everywhere. And Rhaegar fell, and fell and fell, crashing into the water with a sudden sound loud enough to have Jamie cry out.

Robert simply disappeared.

Jamie screamed, screamed and cursed and demanded to know why as he sunk to his knees, sword dropping from his hands as tears hot as fire fell down his face.

When he managed to look over to his fallen Prince again, he found himself choking back more screams when he found the Last Dragon gently cradled in Arthur's arms. Rubies floating in the water all around them. Arthur was humming, stroking silver blond hair out of Rhaegar's face, he was crying, too, and it was odd, it was off and heartbreaking and turning everything upside down. 

„He could have been a great king.“ A voice suddenly spoke up, a boy appearing at his side, sitting crosslegged in the blood drenched grass. Jamie looked at him and in shock scrambled away, the boy was maybe twelve, a mob of wild black hair, staring right at him.

Staring right at him out of Rhaegar's eyes.

„The people loved him. And he loved them.“ The boy continued, his voice so peaceful and quiet while Jamie's heart was pounding, „He wanted to do so much good, wanted to do right by the people who had all been wronged by his father. You can't change anything here anymore, Ser Jamie, you have to let them go. The Dead are gone. Focus on the living.“ As if led by some force, Jamie's eyes flickered over to Arthur who in turn looked up from Rhaegar's body and caught his eyes, the boy spoke again, „You can save him still.“

„Save him from what?“ Jamie croaked out, what was there that he could do, what foe could a traitor like him fight and win still that Arthur couldn't. All this time he had wanted to be like Ser Arthur Dayne, like this grand man who was not even six years older than him, but all he had managed to do was turn into everything Arthur despised.

„From them.“

And just as the boy spoke an arrow rushed by Jamie's ear and got embedded deep into Arthur's chest, right into his heart. No sound left his lips as he slumped over Rhaegar's body.

Jamie though lurched around and froze as he saw Robert steadying Cersei's grip on the bow, his father holding out another arrow for her.

„Save yourself, too, Jamie.“ The boy whispered, voice growing more urgent, „You have to save yourself, too, it's not too late. You can still become good, Jamie, just save yourself.“ The boy disappeared and Jamie frowned as his sister nodged another arrow into the bow and let Robert help her draw it back.

Pointed right at Jamie's chest.

\--

He had woken up with a loud scream then, fallen out of his bed in his panic and only not thrown up because of a lot of force of will. 

He hadn't even though about venturing up to the tower top, convinced that tonight he would have definitely climbed upon the banister. Instead he had dressed himself, rushed down to the stables and taken his horse out. His heart hadn't stopped racing and his lungs hadn't stopped burning until he had left the city behind and found himself surrounded by trees.

He had ridden and ridden until the wind had been the only sound in his mind, until his heart was calm again, until his mind could think again.

Barristan was right, whatever happened, whatever they found out, whatever reached their ears, it could never reach Robert's, or Cersei's or Tywin's. 

If Arthur lived, he had to live.

\--

It would have been so easy that night, to ride and ride until he could switch horses and then go on. Ride until he reached Casterly Rock, leave the damn white cloak behind, take Tyrion and sail for Essos, see the world his little brother always read about, find Arthur and protect his secrets.

It would have been easy.

But for the first time since that fateful day in the throne day, Jamie didn't choose easy, he chose right.

He turned his horse around when dawn came upon him and he rode back to King's Landing. He had a duty to fulfill, couldn't leave Barristan behind now. He had failed five brothers already, he couldn't make it six.

The Kingsguard protected the King, but sometimes the Kingsguard had to protect the realm as well, had to protect the people from the King.

Jaime Lannister was the Kingslayer, an Oathbreaker.

But none of it stopped him from being a Knight.

It was time to make decisions, to make choices. 

Time to pick the right ones this time.

**Author's Note:**

> The conversation between Barristan and Jamie that is mentioned here will follow in another Oneshot soonish, it still needs some working over because it includes some stuff that brings this AU even more off canon and I don't want to do that in some kind of side mention only.
> 
> Have to do it right XD
> 
> I wrote this because I like Jamie's character despite some of the things that he did. I fully believe that had he not fallen into his sister's clutches and become her puppet, he could have really redeemed his honor from the beginning again.


End file.
